Beka’s Book Series: I’m Moving

Many of our site visitors have been requesting that excerptsfrom I’m Moving Two and I’m Moving On…Are U? be placed for reading. Both books can be obtained via www.amazon.com, www.xlibris.com or www.bn.com . You can also order copies through your local bookstore. The first book I’m Moving Two wass a bestseller within the independent book publishing scene for 2006-7!

I’m Moving Two (2000) 197 pages
I’m Moving On…Are U ? (2002) 263 pages

Order Your Copies Today!

Excerpts :

Something’s wrong with my neck. I’m
the only one who knows. No one else knows. There’s a pulling
sensation. A drifting to the left. I wonder what I did?
Constant stiffness. Maybe it’s all the wine that I carried
back from Europe? I really should stop carrying heavy
suitcases. But I never seem to learn.

I’m in a bad mood today. I don’t want to be
nice to anyone. Not to my patients. Not to my colleagues. Not to the
new in-coming residents who desperately need guidance. As they enter
critical care medicine. My neck is sizzling. Things hurt. I want to
scream. But no one hears me. No one cares?

I can’t ride my bicycle anymore. Shucks. I
can’t maintain my balance. What’s happening to me? Is there any relief
from dystonia? You wake up with it. You fall asleep with it. It nver
leaves. A constant companion.

Why do I have dystonia? Why is not getting
better. I can’t look into a mirror anymore. Why isn’t the Toxin
working? I’m afraid.

Dystonic. Disease labeling. I’m not a dystonic.
I’m not a label. I’m a person. An individual. Labels dictate how one
acts, feels and lives. To live by a label allows one to only live by a
set of symptoms. Unwanted ones.

Floodgates of distress. Unbelief. Impatience.
Disturbance. Irritation. Faithlessness. Fear. Is anyone hearing me?
Does anyone want to? There should be someone out there. To simply
listen.

~ ~ ~ ~

Healing power. Something we all crave for. A
cure. On a daily basis. Alice craves for peace at the age of 90. I
check on her all night. Sometimes to simply caress her hair. As the
dying process continues at its own pace. A pace not defined by us. But
by God.

I try a new drug. Used for spasticity. I find
myself falling asleep at work. Mummified. I dose off in the yellow NYC
cab. I can’t live like this? Being sedated and in a brain fog most of
the time.

“Tomorrow holds out its hands to you.” By
Mellencamp. “The Perfect Storm.” It truly does. People never tell you
how they really feel. Look, listen and feel. My heart is breaking. As
is dystonia.

The heat is getting to me. My neck seems to be
sizzling. I look in the mirror and see muscles simply bulging. I don’t
like mirrors anymore. I hate what I see there. No sparkling green eyes
anymore. All I see is pain, and more pain. When is it going to stop?

Another neurology appointment. They all are
turning routine. Like buying gasoline. Routine. Today I get shot up
with MyoBloc-Toxin B. My magic potion. It helps with the sizzling,
grinding pain in about an hour. No real side-effects. Works like magic.
Relief. Phew….

~ ~ ~ ~

Ok, is selective denervation coming next for
me? Am I a candidate? I call my mother to see if we can go up to
Montreal, Canda and see the famous Bouvier. The flight is long and
somewhat cramped. Agony for me, as spasms pull me in multiple
directions. My mother rubs my back the entire time to soothe me….

The windows in Montreal are dim as is the
atmosphere. The ward down the hallway is a psychiatric one. I hear
people screaming. Nurses adorn white caps. Nervousness prevails as we
sit and wait. I pace and pace in the dark room listening to patient
screams. I want to get out of here. My entire body is sizzling. Help….

~ ~ ~ ~

My neck has been killing me the past two days.
I’ve been sleeping on ice packs hoping that would just numb the back of
my head. What did I ever do to get this? I want to cry, cry and cry.
Until there are no more tears.

Where is this research and development? Where is
this cure? It was said that there would be a cure by 2003. Years have
gone by. So, what is this focus on the Torsion A protein? Are we ,
really, distributing money to the right research projects considering
there are more than 20 forms of dystonia?

What about new meds? I’ve become a Klonopin
lover. What about quality of life? Sharing? Care? Awareness?
Collaboration? Education? New Toxins? New injection techniques? A Life in
motion. That’s me.

I leave the Tina Turner concert. Crushed by
people, noise, stimuli, cannabis, and other paraphenelia. I don’t see
anyone else with permanent bodily twisting. What’s love got to do with
this? The words keep repeating themselves in my overloaded mind. People
trample one another as they leave Madison Square Garden. I decide to
wait it out leaning against a post until stillness arrives in the
hallways. I need it.

Great concert. The Rolling Stones should be even
better!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’ve fallen into a deep depression: a deep black
dark pit that I’m having trouble crawling out of. Any suggestions?
Meditation? A black mood. No energy or appetite. I have to do something
about this. Get up and go. Are U Ready? I don’t want work. Don’t want
to play either. Sigh….

Howard and I talk. Neither of us know how to get
patients more involved. What do patients want? A cure? Well,
realistically, we are quite a ways off from a cure. I want a cure.
Howard wants a cure. But if there’s little money in the dystonia scene
or all of it goes to examining the DYT1 gene or worms, it’s going to
take a long time for us to reach a cure.

If the groups can’t or won’t even collaborate or
share information, how can we even think of a cure? I just want to make
it thru today. It’s been a tough few weeks. Too tough.

The weather has turned icy cold. My body
especially my neck always feels it first days ahead of any weather
change. I have my own weather radar system. Defined by a body part. How
strange is that? Living in sweats and extra shirts. New Yorkers are
beginning to use heaters. Some have no heat at all. As the bells jingle
along 5th Avenue.

I should not feel sorry for myself. Dystonia is
what it is. That’s just the way it is. Self-pity is destructive as is
self-blame. Useless emotions.

Which leads me to question why all these docs
look upon us as “units , doses, prescriptions, voltages, parameters?”
Aren’t we people FIRST?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Surrender? No way!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Review by Dr. Mehmet Oz, MD :
”Beka, you write your story very well. The style is simplistic, yet invigorating. A great read for anyone.”

Review by Dr. Michael Kaplitt, MD, PhD:
”I learned more about the emotions associated with dystonia as a movement disorder than I ever did in actual clinical medicine. Eye-opening. Both books should be on the reading lists for anyone thinking about medical school.”

Review by Jimmy Breslin, Pulitzer Prize-winning Author:
”The trials and tribulations of chronic illnesses is not to be dismissed. My daughter simply loved both books and kept them by her bedside each day. A definite writer in the works here.”

Read a book review By Sharon Stone of the Parkinsons’ Disease Foundation at:
Parkinsons Disease Foundation book review by Sharon Stone

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